The Wheels on the Bus

No deep thoughts today; even though my mind has been flooded with thoughts over the last week.  Life has been such a mess during this transition that I haven't had time to just sit, think, and write.  As a guy who loves to take pictures and has a lot in front of me to photograph, I haven't even picked up my camera in a few weeks.  I turned it on just a couple of days ago to see what the last thing I shot was; I laughed and cried when I saw the picture of us pulling out of our driveway in the U-Haul truck.  So began our adventure.

Since arriving here, I've decided to become a public transporatation guy.  Never before had I ridden a bus
or a train; it just never fit into my schedule and location.  I hadn't a clue how to ride a bus and was afraid I'd be the freightened little boy huddled in the corner looking like such a country boy in the big city.

I spent hours online learning how to ride a bus and walked to the Metro Transit store to get maps and instructions.  Then I figured I just had to dive in and try it out.  I made it home alive, but not without a few hiccups.  I got onto my bus a bit too early (it wasn't in service yet), and the driver was a little annoyed that I interrupted his reading time to let me on the bus.  When we finally got moving, I caught a glimpse of a friend I hadn't seen in a long time waiting at one of the stops.  I really wanted to hop off the bus to say hi and catch up for a bit, but I was so nervous the driver wouldn't let me back on and I didn't have enough money to pay for another ride; so I stared at my friend through the window as the bus sat there and slowly pulled away.

But now I'm becoming a public transportation veteran.  I've ridden the light rail, the commuter train, and the bus (I'm still scared of taxis).  I got myself a transit card so I don't need to worry about having the right amount of cash on hand.  The entire trip from near my home to work is about 40 minutes long, so I get a lot of reading assignments done in my 80 minutes of bus riding.  I'm learning different parts of the city by taking a different route through town.

Best of all, I'm getting to know a lot of new people.  The bus travels through every part of town: middle and lower class residential neighborhoods, commercial and industrial districts, university campuses, near medical facilities, and right into the downtown professional areas.  I see every kind of person on the bus and have had great opportunities to hear stories of people who are nothing like me.  It is already softening my heart even more toward people.  Not only do I have a lot of time to read, but to think about and pray for the people God puts into my life for the 40 minutes every morning and afternoon.

Pray that God uses me to bless the souls of my fellow bus riders with the Good News of His Sovereign love.

Rain fell, Floods came, and Winds Blew and Beat on That House

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” (Matthew 7:24-27, ESV)

Well, here we are in the Twin Cities.  I started my new job in Minneapolis at the end of July in order to get the transition started sooner than later to avoid piling it all up at once.  We finally got an offer on our house so we decided after a couple weeks of being apart that we should move the family up as well on the first weekend of August.  This would give the family some time to establish a routine before school started.  It seemed like a good plan.

Did I say I had a good plan?  Those never seem to work out.

We planned to do all of our moving in one day.  Molly had spent a couple of weeks packing and labeling the boxes to make it easier for our moving help to get our things where they belonged.  We ordered a large U-Haul truck and had a big group of people ready to help us fill it up.  After catching our breaths, we planned to drive and hour and a half to the Cities and meet another crew awaiting us to help unload.  We certainly wouldn't get settled into the home in one day, but we hoped to have all the boxes where they belonged and get the furniture set up by evening.  It was such a good plan.

Just to be sure, I contacted our landlord to make sure everything would be ready for us.  We were told it would be ready except for a bathroom remodel being done.  "We can handle that" we thought.  We wanted to be together and we could put up with some bathroom work since we were going to end up with a nicer bathroom.

So we set about our way to have our plans more than slightly modified.

Molly had a dream the night before our move that during the move we were going to lose all of our things.  She was a bit worried that something bad was going to happen, but I assured her that we'd done a lot to prepare for this and everything would work out just fine.  I told her that I had a dream that we moved in and the place was completely remodeled and was the most gorgeous place we'd ever lived in (I didn't really expect that.  It was just to say how silly dreams can be).

The day started off with the U-Haul guy telling us they didn't have the size of truck we ordered so they would upgrade us for free to the largest truck he had; six feet longer than what I calculated was necessary.  "Oh well" I thought.  "We'll just have some extra space."

It turns out that God was taking care of us in my ignorance, because that truck was extremely efficiently organized and we still didn't have enough room for all of our things.  It was a bit embarassing how much stuff we had accumulated in only 6 years in that house.  But we were appreciative to all the help we had for their hard work.  We were still right on time and ready to head up to our new home.

The drive went well; nothing was damaged on the trip so I knew Molly's dream was wrong.  We pulled up to our new home, called our move-in help and took a deep breath to prepare for just a couple more hours of hard work before getting some good rest.

And "the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that [family]."

Walking up to the front door, my heart sank, my eyes welled up in tears, and I feared for my family.  The front yard was full of furniture from the previous tenants.  The entire house was under construction and didn't look like it would be ready for many days.  There was construction equipment in every single room; tools, materials, waste, and a crew for multiple projects; not just a bathroom.  Every sort of uncleanness decorated the house from the previous tenants' failure to learn the use of a vacuum or a wash cloth; dirt all over the floors, mouse droppings in every corner, stains all over the carpets, moldy food filling the refrigerator and cabinets, and a couple years of grease covering the kitchen counters, floors, and stove.  Because of the mess, there seemed to be quite the attraction for small rodents to the home.

I had walked in before Molly and the kids could make it up to the door.  My mind swirled with all of the assurances I made to her that it would be alright and the doubts we'd had about leaving our comfortable small-town home behind to move to the big city and live on very little.  I felt like I was punched in the gut and laughed at for being such a failure of a provider for my family.

We briefly looked around the house and determined that it would be impossible for the family to move in for a while.  And then I looked at our moving truck out front staring me in the face as I wondered what to do with everything we owned.  I quickly determined to get the family out of there, so I sent my wife and the kids away to her sister's house until I could straighten it all out; not having a clue how many days that might take.

If we hadn't already made a committment to some other friends we would have backed out of this living arrangement and found a new place to live.  I talked to the landlord who didn't seem to understand why I was so upset.  He told his maintenance folks to remodel the bathroom and get the house clean for our arrival.  He put me in contact with the project manager to work something out temporarily.

The move-in crew arrived as I sat on the front steps in complete shock.  Not knowing what to do.  Should I stay in a hotel room?  Put the truck in storage for a week?  I couldn't afford that.  Plus, we needed things that were in the truck.  It's hard to take care of three small children without their clothes, diapers, beds, soaps, etc.

I decided to head into the house and clear some space in a few of the rooms that had the least amount of work to be done.  We would ignore the work Molly did organizing and labeling every box and shove everything into these few rooms.  We'll let the crew finish their work and be back next weekend to try moving in again.  So for the next three hours, my newest best friends and I hauled in and stacked everything we owned into the mess; spending every moment at the edge of sobbing uncontrollably.

As we unloaded the truck into the front yard and into the house, people would walk by or drive up eyeballing our items and asking if they could take them.  I couldn't understand why so many people were circling our things like vultures.  My heart sank as I feared that I moved us into a neighborhood where people would be waiting for the opportunity to take whatever we took our eyes off of.  Molly's dream was coming true; we really were going to lose everything.

We finally finished unloading the truck.  I was so tired (as I planned to be at the end of the day), but there would be no rest as I had hoped.  I contacted the crew manager and pleaded with him to leave my things alone and actually protect them for my family.  "Please lock every door and close every shade to keep those vultures away from everything I own."  

His response sent me into despair, "We don't have a key.  We've just been leaving the back door unlocked to get in every day to work."

I left the house and all that I owned in that house pleading with him to figure out a way to lock the door.  My friends offered to take me in for the night.  We took the truck back to the store, I climbed into his care, and sobbed.  On the drive to somewhere restful, my new friends sat in silence for a while and then offered to take this 30 minute drive to pray for peace in the midst of chaos, for wisdom to know what to do next, for faith to trust that God will use this for good, and to avoid bitterness resulting from seeming injustice.

This was not  how it was supposed to go.  Why am I moving my family here?  What am I putting them through?  What is God's purpose in all of this?

These questions will take a while to get answered.

I managed to get to my family and stay with my sister-in-law for the week.  We talked to our landlord who was very apologetic about the entire thing.  There was some serious miscommunication which resulted in the entire event.  He offered to do everything possible to remedy the situation and to even go beyond that to make our new home a much better place to stay for the next few years.

For some reason, God decided to let Satan pour out some tribulation on our family that day.  Two weeks later, we still do not have the house to where we had hoped it would be that Saturday evening.  There is a lot of work to be done to get our things organized and set up.  But we are moving in and making it our home.

We were so blessed to make some good friends through that trial; people we will continue to see regularly who were an incredible encouragement.  One of them encouraged me saying, "Satan knows the good that is going to come from the people who live in this house and will try to prevent it from happening."  It encouraged me to be reminded that God is going to use us to do some special things.  You know you are doing some great work of God when you run into opposition once in a while.

Another new friend told me, "God must really love you guys, because He seems to give the hardest tests to those He loves most."  When God has big responsibilities planned for someone, He tends to put them through a lot to rid them of their idols and focus their hearts more on Him.

When we get through this season, I look forward to the joys He has in store for my family; the good work that He has prepared for us to do.

Backwards Planning

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

9 pFor as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

- Isaiah 55:8

One of the most difficult things to get through my head is that God has a different plan than I do.  Even when we think we are striving to do His will, it often works out differently than we would have imagined.  It gets more difficult when you are certain you have been called to a specific task, career, or ministry and it doesn't come together like you think it should.

I know we have been called to this major life change to ministry training in Minneapolis.  The way our lives have been orchestrated and the lessons we have learned through those experiences has prepared us just for this time.  With the opening of doors and confirmation from trusted friends, we are certain this is the path.  Yet the steps down that path have been far different than expected.  We knew we had major things to accomplish and assumed there was a logical order: sell house, have baby, find new home, get a part-time job.

We couldn't get a new home without knowing what we were going to get out of our current home.  I figured I'd get a part-time job at some place close to where I lived.  I thought it would be easier to move out of our house before our baby arrived.  God had a different plan; almost exactly opposite of what I thought was necessary.

This entire summer actually reminds me of a book that God providentially brought to me during this transition time which helps me better understand this lesson.  Phil Vischer, the creator of VeggieTales, wrote a very easy-to-read autobiography of his journey toward and ultimately away from the award-winning animation empire he created.  He had what he felt was a godly vision and calling, and putting his nose to the grindstone sought to change the world for God.  After it all came crashing down (too late for him, but wonderfully humbling and rewarding), he realized that he never sought God's wisdom and direction in how he might use his talents.  Phil decided on a path that he thought would best honor God and ignored all voices who may have tried to give wise input. His lesson learned too late was that we don't have the freedom to simply plan our own path and vision without abundant and consistent seeking after God's wisdom and righteousness; even if we think we have a godly vision.

This has been a great part of my learning process in this transition period.  I thought I had a plan that made sense which would create an incredible story that I could tell all my friends about how spectacularly God would provide.  I had a vision and a plan in which God would receive the most glory - and I would receive the most prosperity.

HA!  You'd think I would learn this lesson that God isn't impressed with my plans. He's got even better plans for my sanctification and His glory.

The direction hasn't changed, but the steps to get there certainly has: have baby - stay in comfortable house all summer while baby settles into her routine, announce resignation from work - get multiple high-paying job offers, get turned down for housing loans - stumble upon a last minute opening to live with another seminary family and save some money.  Final steps: sell home and move!

God seems to always set before us a decision between what we are comfortable with and what might be a rewarding risk. What most people don't see is that there is huge risk with comfortable; we risk not growing.  When things go easy, when we are prosperous, when we are safe and comfortable, we have no urgency to always lean on God.  We've been learning to seek wisdom in the decision process and have begun to more and more choose the uncomfortable, risky option because we've seen in the end how God blesses us with more joy and faithfulness through it.

The latest decision which makes our families think we're crazy is that we have chosen to move into an old, large house with another seminary family.  We've always been comfortable living the suburban life in a newer home on a quarter acre lot with nice grass, air-conditioning, and separate living space away from people who annoy us.  Now we are moving into a home with people we barely know (not blindly, mind you, we have been doing our homework), to share living space and be vulnerable to one another in our weaknesses; trusting that God will use our different personalities to mold each of us to be more like Christ and use each of our talents to support and encourage one another for the next few years.

It is certainly a risk to our own comfortable lifestyle.  But when did Jesus ever promise us a life of comfort and ease?  I see the opposite in the New Testament; in the face of difficulty resulting from faithful choices, the church works as a family, sharing resources in order to encourage one another for even more faithful endeavors.

Not Done with My Fishing

Immediately they left their nets and followed him. (Matthew 4:20, ESV)

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net that was thrown into the sea and gathered fish of every kind. (Matthew 13:47)

However, not to give offense to them, go to the sea and cast a hook and take the first fish that comes up, and when you open its mouth you will find a shekel. Take that and give it to them for me and for yourself. (Matthew 17:27)

 

Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We will go with you.” They went out and got into the boat, but hthat night they caught nothing.

 

4 Just as day was breaking, Jesus stood on the shore; yet the disciples idid not know that it was Jesus. 5 jJesus said to them, “Children, do you have any fish?” They answered him, “No.” 6 kHe said to them, “Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.” So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish. (John 21:3-6)

A short while ago, I had written on Jesus' call on the lives of the disciples to drop what they are doing and follow Him.  I was amazed at the immediate willingness of the disciples to drop what they were doing and follow an unknown path.  They were willing to give up their livelihoods, everything they knew to survive in order to follow Christ.  I felt at the time that I was in the same place; being asked to give up everything that had been educated in which provided for my family in order to take the step of faith to become a more full-time disciple and teacher.

However, the events of the last couple of weeks and another look at the gospels revealed something to me.  While the disciples did immediately drop their nets and follow Jesus, leaving behind everything that they had known, Jesus did not remove them completely from their past.  Throughout his three years teaching and preparing them, the disciples still found themselves often using their boating and fishing skills and Jesus used those experiences to illustrate important teaching.

Their years of fishing wasn't a waste of time.  In fact, in His providence, God ordained long before calling them that they would become fishermen, gaining much knowledge and many skills which would be important for kingdom work further on in their lives.

It would seem that God is now doing the same thing in my own life.  When I applied to Seminary and desired to move on into full-time ministry, I assumed I would be leaving engineering behind.  I had never known anyone to be a part-time engineer, especially the type of engineering which was a secondary career.  The engineers I know needed to be committed and available far more than the part-time schedule I would have available.

I did learn some very important things in my years as an engineer.  God used it to prepare me to be a better communicator, to be more confident, to understand people better, and to have ministry opportunities.  But I didn't see it having a continuing impact on my future ministry life.

Yet, just like Jesus had the disciples back in their boats, He has chosen to keep me back in the drawing room during my intensive discipleship period.  As it turns out my years of experience as an engineer were quite marketable in the engineering world and God has abundantly provided a well-paying part-time engineering job for my four years in seminary.  It will be more than enough to cover costs of living and care for my growing family.

I couldn't understand how this was all going to work together; what was the point of my engineering, how was I going to provide for my family?  It is all becoming clearer and I see that it is a path that God has used before with preparing His disciples for great ministry.

I am so privileged to be used by God; so thankful to experience His providence in such a remarkable way.  Through this risky step of faith I've seen God work more powerfully and experienced Him more personally than I ever realized was possible.  I can't shout loudly or sing sweetly enough to praise Him for His abundant blessing.

Wisdom for Obedience

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. (James 1:5-8)

Generous Provider,

We seek to know your provision in our lives even more fully.  You have done incredible things in our family to care for us and bless us far better than what we have earned.  And far too often we haven't even acknowledged your hand in the simple meal that sits on our table.

You have been good to us and so it seems somewhat foolish of me to ask for more.  Yet all I am is a beggar with nothing that hasn't already been given by you.  What else can I do but continue to ask for you to provide?

So here I am, holding nothing in my hands that I have earned, only that which you've already blessed me with, asking you to bless me even more.

We seek to be obedient to you in our journey to seminary and whatever ministries it leads us to.  We seek to be good stewards of the money you've asked us to care for.  We want to live with your priorities in mind, giving our attention to our marriage, discipling our children, and ministering among your people.  We want you to be glorified in us as we strive to do your will in a new place.  We are excited for that adventure to begin.

But here we are waiting for you to move.  We are sure you are already moving in ways that we cannot see, so help us to trust your sovereign timing.  We believe that we have taken every step forward that we can and now just wait for you to provide.

You know the things we need and we anticipate this week an incredible answer to all of our prayers.  I've interviewed for jobs, we've shown our house, we've found houses that would be a great fit for our family and the results of those things are in your hands right now.  Please make this week an exciting step in our journey.  We know that your usually method of provision is quiet, consistent, and sufficient, but we pray for this step of faith in our lives to be marked with abundant provision and overwhelming response to our needs.

As we wait for you to reveal your work to us, give us the wisdom we lack, which you are thrilled to provide, so that we may no longer wonder in anxiety about what to do next, but we may trust in you standing on our firm foundation and boldly stepping forward in faith.

May the praise of our lips be heard all around at the revealing of your abundant provision in this moment.

Unfathomable Wisdom

“The Lord possessed me [wisdom] at the beginning of his work, the first of his acts of old.

Ages ago I was set up, at the first, before the beginning of the earth.

When there were no depths I was brought forth, when there were no springs abounding with water.

Before the mountains had been shaped, before the hills, I was brought forth,

before he had made the earth with its fields, or the first of the dust of the world.

When he established the heavens, I was there; when he drew a circle on the face of the deep,

when he made firm the skies above, when he established the fountains of the deep,

when he assigned to the sea its limit, so that the waters might not transgress his command,

when he marked out the foundations of the earth, then I was beside him, like a master workman,

and I was daily his delight, rejoicing before him always,

rejoicing in his inhabited world and delighting in the children of man.

(Proverbs 8:22-31, ESV)

Maybe I just have a case of the Mondays, or perhaps it's because my house continues to be a difficult sell in this supposedly sellers' market, but I'm feeling pretty crummy this morning.  Selling our house has been a major obstacle in getting to seminary.  We can't look at new homes until we know what we are getting with our old home.  It is a new home in a nice neighborhood with high quality features that most people dream they could have in their homes.  Yet, in this supposed sellers' market, the buyers are much pickier than I would have thought; not liking a certain neighbor, a bedroom in the basement, a family room too small.  And just when we think there is some hope with a new buyer, that hope is dashed and we are left wondering what to do next.

I often need to check my motives to be sure that I am not pushing for something that God has not planned for me.  Is He trying to move me in a different direction?  Why would He change my course after years of provision in this direction?

Is He telling me to lower the price even more so we have nothing but the clothes on our back to move and experience His daily bread provision in a way we never thought would be necessary?

Is He just telling us to wait a little bit longer?

Sure, it could be any (or all) of these, and each one makes me very uncomfortable.  And each one makes little sense. We need to get moving now.  We need that money from the sale to live for a few months while we find employment and a home.  We are confident that God has prepared us for and confirmed this move in many wonderful ways.  So what am I supposed to do?

I have no idea.  I'm stumped.

But one thing I need to remind myself of is God's infinite wisdom in it all.  We studied this section of Proverbs yesterday in Sunday School and it hit me pretty hard.  God's infinite wisdom was part of His character before the foundation of the world.  It was part of establishing all things and continues to sustain and create all things.  Daily, His providence is filled with wisdom; greater wisdom than I can comprehend.

So when I say that we are running out of time or money, His wisdom says He's got it all planned out.  In God's economy, there is no end to His time or money.  When waiting longer or moving forward with nothing doesn't make any sense in my mind, His wisdom requires me to trust Him.

Easy for my head to say to my heart, but even as I remind myself of these truths, it is hard for my unbelieving heart to understand and I limp along through the day with saturated eyes and a swirling mind.  This is my regular prayer these days, "God, help my unbelief!"

The Peaceful Sound of Crashing Waves

I was laying in bed last night relaxing with my wife on the edge of falling asleep and my mind rushed back to the time when we were married on a beach in Maui. 

While our room was nothing spectacular (having no breathtaking ocean views), we would leave the window open all night long so we could hear the constant sound of the crashing waves as we drifted off to sleep in paradise.  What an incredible blessing it was to get to marry my beloved on a beach in Hawaii.  It was like there was nothing else in the world to worry about as we were lost in the week that we hoped would never end.  It was certainly one of the greatest experiences of our lives.

And now, almost eight years later, as I'm lying in my bed I am drifting off to sleep again by the peaceful sound of crashing waves.  This time, however, I'm still in Minnesota; a thousand miles from any ocean.  Now the sound is coming from the baby wave machine in my newborn daughter's bedroom that I can hear through her monitor. 

This moment seems more peaceful than that previous one, because this came after nearly six weeks of getting less than minimal sleep.  I felt a combination of jubilation and great peace.  And also a little confusion about whether or not I owe Gary Ezzo our firstborn because of the great peace his book has provided our family.  All three of our kids responded well to the methods in Babywise, sleeping through the night after nine or ten weeks. Our newest, Olivia, seems to have gotten a hang of it in five weeks!

In the chaos of having three small children, two within 11 months of one another, and the busyness of selling our home and preparing to move, God has blessed us with good sleep much sooner than expected.  And just last night, our newborn gave us a break from her routine "witching hour" and went to sleep at 8:00 pm allowing us to have the most amazing quiet time that we've had in quite a long time.

So hearing the sound of crashing waves this time around was much more rewarding than that first time only hundreds of feet from the shore.  This time it was the perfect rest given at just the right time after weeks of dwindling energy being drained off by a houseful of little ones.

I drifted off to sleep thanking God for those sounds of crashing waves which were much more satisfying than any beach in Hawaii.