My Excellent Wife

Today is our 9 year anniversary. I wrote this thinking about the Proverbs 31 woman and thanking God for blessing me with an incredible wife.

An excellent wife I have found.
More precious than the fairest jewel,
To seek love elsewhere I would be a fool.
To her my heart is joyfully bound.

Above all else she seeks my good.
She works to bring my soul such rest,
Her joy to serve without behest.
Comforts me with her loves food.

Her beauty lights a darkened room.
A heart of gold refined in fire,
To honor Christ her highest desire.
Adorned to please her heavenly groom.

She cares for those who have a need.
Hospitality is her trade,
Tending to those whom God has made.
That they too may gain hearts freed.

Her laugh brings joy at endless length
Whatever praise that I receive,
Due to the one to whom I cleave.
Clothed with dignity and strength.

Be a Parent, For it is God Who Will Change Their Hearts

Everyone is an expert parent...until they have kids. We all have ideas in mind on how we would do things in certain parenting situations, either based on how our own parents did or did not raise us. Some people, like me, spend a ton of time reading and asking questions from experienced parents in order to be as prepared as possible for the arrival of the little sanctifiers.

With six years of parenting down (and now three kids with more on the way) I am thankful that God gave me so many resources ahead of time. It has prepared us for inevitable challenges and been a grace to create some sense of order in our home. It doesn't guarantee that our kids will always be well-behaved and especially doesn't guarantee their salvation, but it gave us something to aim for, something to evaluate ourselves, not so much our kids.

Early on in our parenting as we were establishing our family's routines and traditions with our children's early obedience and ultimate salvation in view, we had so many people who felt like they wanted to throw cold water on our fire to be godly parents. I believe their motives were honestly good, but it was discouraging. So many people wanted to remind us that our kids salvation didn't depend upon us so they would say, "You can't guarantee they'll believe in Jesus. Your kids will have to give an account to God on their own. You could be the best parents in the world and they still might reject your faith."

Yes, that is true. But it always bothered me. Did God not intend the family structure to have influence on the children in the home? What is the point of God's wisdom for the home if we are just supposed to resign to the fact that 80% of our children will turn away from Christ? It seemed to me that the exception to godly parenting was losing your children, not the rule. But something so different is playing out in our churches.

Most people fall into one of two ditches; we either set up a bunch of rules and boundaries thinking we will create obedient children through our own effort (even though they are biblical rules) or we resign to the fact that we don't have control over our children's hearts anyway and don't apply any biblical principles. Both produce children who don't know true grace. But we don't have a category for walking the narrow path in between. We usually just say that we need to balance the two.

I've never been a fan of the balance argument. It sounds to me like compromise; sometimes we need to give a little on grace and emphasize the law and others we need to stand firm on our boundaries and forget grace. Isn't there a place where both justice and mercy express themselves?

Oh right. The cross! In redeeming us, God doesn't relax his justice to set us free from our sin. That would be corrupt (Prov 17:15). Our salvation is a mystery in which God creates Christ's righteousness in us so that we are no longer guilty sinners and Jesus takes our sin upon himself so God can justly punish our sin (2 Cor 5:21).

How, then, does this apply to parenting?

I think the process of progressive sanctification parallels our parenting. Salvation isn't complete the day we are converted. God continues to actually make us righteous through a process we call progressive sanctification.

Writing to the Philippians, Paul commands something strange for the sanctification of a believer: "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure" (Phil 2:12-13). Sanctification is a process by which we pursue faithfulness and through that God shows that he is working in us. Paul is serious when he commands believers to remain diligent and faithful, but then he says also that God is working our sanctification in us. It is the mystery of God's sovereignty and our responsibility.

A parent's role should be getting clearer. We do not seek a balance between our role as parents and God's role as the shaper of a child's heart. It is both. Work out your parenting with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in your kids.

We work because God is working in us. We parent because God is parenting through us. It is not an either/or dichotomy. Godly parenting is 100% diligence on the parents' part and 100% trust that God is working in us to produce salvation in our children.

An example of this is the response of the Israelites who just returned from exile to rebuild the city of Jerusalem to their opponents who sought to disrupt their rebuilding project. In Nehemiah 4, Sanballat mocked the Israelites and threatened to prevent them from finishing their work. Israel's response was a perfect example of diligent work trusting in the sovereignty of God. "And we prayed to our God and set a guard as a protection against them day and night" (Neh 4:9). They trusted God to protect them as they set people around the city to protect them. Faithfulness is neither praying to God to work and doing nothing nor is it doing the work without praying to God.

And so goes parenting. We work to teach our kids about God and his work in the world through the word. We work to discipline them when they are disobedient. We train them with wisdom in godly living. We have high expectations for the person they are to become and we aren't surprised when their sin (or our own) trips them up along the way. And we do all this with complete hope, not in the effectiveness of our parenting, but in the power of God to use it for the good of our children.

I Believe in the Holy Spirit

With small children in tow it is difficult for me to pay close enough attention to every Sunday sermon that I can recall significant themes from the message. Pastor Jason preached a couple months ago on something I don’t even remember, but one line stuck in my mind, “I believe in the Holy Spirit.”  He gave a couple of examples in which this statement applied, but I immediately went to circumstances in my own life in which I wasn’t acting as though the Holy Spirit had the ability to overcome the obstacles I feel are insurmountable.

As I think through some circumstances in my life that simply seem impossible to resolve I have begun to preach to myself, "I believe in the Holy Spirit." It has become my anthem this year and I pray that it becomes part of my life. I should never say to myself, "That cannot happen. It is too difficult." Or I cannot see a single person as beyond the hope of the gospel thinking, "He will never be able to see it," or "She could never comprehend such difficult things." God made us all to revel in his glory. He made us all for relationships with him and with each other. Who am I to say any person or situation is beyond the power of God. It is by his Holy Spirit that he transforms lives and works incredible faith into his people.

I am a type A personality. I organize everything in my mind before putting it onto paper or into action. I plan everything out before making decisions. I need to see a clear path to success before taking any action. This does not lend itself well to trusting God because I tend to lean on my own ability to understand. But God is using seminary to break down this trust in myself and give me opportunities to test my conviction that "I believe in the Holy Spirit."

God has blessed me with a gift to understand things and make comprehensive connections quickly. So far this has been a great blessing to my family during seminary because it helps me accomplish more in the limited amount of time we have available for studying. However, my Hebrew class has been somewhat frustrating to me; not because I haven't been able to understand Hebrew, but because it is not organized in the way my mind finds useful. It has been a struggle to do the heavy lifting for the class without seeing the value in the way it is presented. But two people challenged my prideful assumptions. Andy Naselli made a comment to me at a picnic that learning Hebrew is a "worship of dependence." While we may not see the value of it in the midst of it, we do the hard work trusting that the Holy Spirit will help us endure and at some future date it will begin to transform into more of a worship of praise experience. It was a reminder that I can't fit everything into my mind's compartments, but I need to "believe in the Holy Spirit" to honor God through it.

Similarly, during class with John Piper, as I was marveling at what a privilege it was to learn from such a great mind he confessed that it is such a struggle for him to write. He slows down so much and puts so much thought into every word because he wants every word to be fruitful. If John Piper struggles that much to produce something of value for the church, what hope do I have? Why should I continue? My ability to quickly comprehend complex truths is nothing to boast in when I don't use it in a way that depends on God to help me do the heavy lifting and produce something of value. I need to remind myself that "I believe in the Holy Spirit" to dig deep into his word to come away changed and prepared for ministry, not simply adding more knowledge to my mental library.

So where has this conviction led our family today? As our youngest daughter continues through our second year of life we have decided that we are ready to add another child to our family. We chose to once again pursue a child through adoption, but wondered what the best option for our family is. Adoptions take a lot of time and cost a lot of money, neither of which we have much of. How are we going to pay for it when our checking account has been shrinking to pay for school? How are we going to find time to travel to pick up a child when we have very small windows of time in between school and work? As we considered our options we realized that we started to go down the path that seemed to make more sense to our concrete-sequential minds; the cheapest and most time controlled options were our preference. But God was having none of that. He wanted to remind us that "We believe in the Holy Spirit."

Through circumstances that I will share more of over the coming months God has given us a passion for children at an orphanage in Uganda. We know people in Uganda and have met others who have adopted from there. We are convinced that this is where God would have us, even though it is going to cost money that God will have to provide and it needs to be timed in only a way one who is in control of all time can arrange. But we are done trying to force God to work according to our own plan. We are ready to see the God do what seems impossible. We are convinced of this: "We believe in the Holy Spirit."

In a Pressure Chamber

I just turned in a big paper due this semester for Dr. Piper and I feel like I landed safely on the other side of a huge hurdle (not necessarily confident in my grade, but just glad the work is complete). Going through my heart was excitement that the end of the semester is near. I am feeling a kind of "senioritits" in only my first semester of my second year (I still have five semesters to go). Thoughts of winter vacation already fill my mind and my vision for after seminary work is narrowing in focus.

But then I also feel a little guilt for wanting the semester to be done. Isn't this what I wanted to do? Hadn't I left my job to go to school again? Aren't my affections moved by what we are studying?

Of course they are! I am so thankful for my time here. It is an incredible privilege to have this opportunity to learn from such godly men. Yet this hasn't been a season of life that has come with ease. We've given up a lot to be here. We have experienced some of the biggest challenges of our lives. Every minute of the week is scheduled with church, school, work, and parenting. Sometimes the pressure feels too much to handle and I look forward to the release.

A helpful image came to mind as I considered the opposing feelings of wanting to be here and wanting to be finished. I am in the barrel of gun that God is pointing in the direction that I will be of most use to his purposes. At the moment the heat and pressure around me is propelling me forward. As I travel forward I bang up against the side of the barrel which keeps me focused in the right direction. If it were a shorter barrel the shot wouldn't be as accurate. It is precisely the boundaries of the barrel that I keep bumping against that focus my direction better for more effective ministry. I don't enjoy bumping up against the sides and feeling the intense pressure inside, but it will make me more useful in the end.

So, I continue in my training thankful for the season of intense focus looking forward to the launch into ministry at the end.

Holy Vocation

There is a funny thing I've noticed when I talk to people about my career choice.  When I talk about being an engineer people have all kinds of questions about roads and bridges.  They have a curiosity about how projects get done and what I am doing to fix the problems with roads that they use regularly.  People are intrigued by my engineering and even passionate about roads.  It seems everyone is a traffic engineer giving me advice on how to fix roads and signals.

But when I tell people I'm leaving behind engineering for ministry, currently attending seminary, they get quiet and serious.  Their demeanor changes.  They tip-toe around their speech; hide their beer behind the napkin dispenser; apologize for saying, 'shucks.'  It's not that they disagree with my views (though they probably would if we started talking more); but it is like they somehow feel that suddenly they are in holy company and they should remove their sandals and only speak in reverent tones.

But why should this be different for any believer?  We are a priesthood of believers; everywhere we go we are ambassadors for Christ.  Everything we do represents God in us.  Whether we are computer programmers, pastors, engineers, homemakers, or street hot-dog vendors, we have the amazing privilege to bring that holy passion for God to whatever career venture we choose.  People should see our work no matter where we are as a high calling; something we take seriously and do with joy and excellence.

So enlivened by the importance of this task is a friend from seminary who determined he was going to drop out of his pastoral pursuits and get a job as a marketing manager in downtown Minneapolis.  He is one of the brightest guys in our cohort with incredible maturity and he decided he could better glorify God by mingling with the downtown professionals at an entry level professional career position.  While I am saddened that our class is losing such a bright mind, I am thrilled about a guy who really wants the light of Christ to shine in a normal office job.  He has a holy ambition to make Christ known even in a cubicle.

Just a couple weeks after I heard this news from my friend an elder at church preached on the high calling of the work of every believer.  It was both encouraging and convicting.  Not-working is dehumanizing.  We were made to reflect God's work in creation by being at work with creative joy ourselves.  We are to provide for our families with contentment as God provides for us.

During the last year of my struggling to know what I am doing here I often wanted to quit my job so I could devote more time to studying, get more involved in ministry, and spend more time with my wife and kids.  I thought that my job was a hindrance to what was more important and prayed regularly for God to provide some other means of provision so I wouldn't have to work. But I have been convicted that the job keeps me connected to God in a more personal and satisfying way.  I get the pleasure of representing Christ to people in downtown Minneapolis.  I get the honor of showing what excellent work looks like from someone with a heavenly perspective.  I get to taste the goodness of providing with my hands and my mind for my family.

One thing from the sermon that really caught my attention applied to our motivation for hard work.  The world works hard to earn something; a raise, a promotion, a paycheck to buy more things.  It is a merit system in which we tie up our identities.  Who we are becomes defined by our position, our income, and our toys.  Or, the job is simply a necessary evil means to something else more enjoyable.  For me, it was just the thing that provided me the opportunity to do what I preferred to do, being in a classroom and reading books.

But work should be different for the believer.  We don't work dutifully for approval or personal gain, but we work diligently from approval and gain.  Everything we need was earned for us in Christ.  God will provide for us everything that is necessary for contentment in Him.  From there we can put in hard work during the day and find great peace and satisfaction in the work because we aren't doing it to gain anything but to simply reflect what has already been gained for us.

My eyes are continually being opened to the blessing which is my current engineering job.  God ordained it as a means of abundant provision for my family, but it has also taught me more about continuing to be in the world and savoring the opportunity to image his diligent, creative activity in the world.  He has given me a platform to share the gospel to people this country boy would have never had access to.  God forgive me when I complain about the high calling of cubicle work and give me a holy ambition to shine your creative light on the streets of downtown Minneapolis.

Immaturity of Sin

Delayed Gratification is a term that I've often been fond of to discern someone's level of maturity.  We live in a culture that needs everything right now.  Don't want to wait until married to have sex, do it now.  Don't have money to pay for what I want, put it on the credit card.  Can't take the time to cook a healthy meal, get fast food.  Children, by definition, lacking maturity have a difficult time waiting because they don't have enough life experience in waiting to know that "good things come to those who wait."  They don't know that opportunities come and go regularly and by taking time to do things right they will be better prepared for the next opportunity.  Instead, in our immature passions we jump now at something and, at best, enjoy a fleeting pleasure that could have been longer lasting had we invested more patient preparation.

I was recently reminded of another stage of maturity in a child's life through reading a book on marriage and it has really got me thinking about my continual need for sanctification.  In the first few months of a baby's life their world extends to about 12 inches in front of their faces.  As far as they understand this world is all about themselves.  When what is going on in their own bubble is uncomfortable they let everyone outside the bubble know about it until someone else comes to fix it.  If you put a toy in front of an infant they will recognize its existence.  But the moment they can no longer see that toy they act as though it no longer exists.  This is called Object Permanence; at about the age of eight months a child gains the ability to recognize that an object continues to exists even though they can no longer see it.  A child who has yet to develop Object Permanence will have a difficult time being away from his parents when they walk away because the person that makes him feel so good (in his own mind) no longer exists.  Once the child develops Object Permanence he can feel comfortable letting his parents go because he knows they still exist and experience has shown that they will come back.

Today I was reminded of an excellent book in which the author talks about the immaturity of sin as she looks back upon the sins she once defended:

“People whose lives are riddled with unrestrained sin act like rebellious children. Sin, when unrestrained, infantilizes a person. Here I had thought that I was so mature, so capable, so ‘important’ in the world, and the truth remains that I didn’t even know how to act my age! After conversion, I was surprised to discover how old I really was.”

-Rosaria Champagne Butterfield, The Secret Thoughts of and Unlikely Convert, p. 108

This is the case for all of us, isn't it?  When we engage in sin, when we give into temptation, when we "follow our hearts" we act as a a child who is incapable of making decisions according to the reality of the world God created.  Though our eyes are wide open we act as though truth has disappeared.  When men are tempted to look at pornography it is because they have lost Object Permanence; forgetting about God's provision for intimacy.  When we lie, complain, or boast in ourselves it is because we have lost Object Permanence; forgetting that God is still there even though we don't see Him.  What we need are not strategies for sidestepping the temptation, but mature hearts who are content to trust God's good provision when the current circumstances disrupt the comfort of our little bubbles.

"Sin infantilizes a person." God help me avoid sin and honor you by maturing my heart to be satisfied with your provision whenever you choose to give it and rest in the permanence of it even when I can't see it.

Providence

prov·i·dence

 [prov-i-duhns]

noun

1. the foreseeing care and guidance of God or nature over the creatures of the earth.
2. God, especially when conceived as omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence.

The longer we are here, the harder it will be convincing me that God is not in control of everything, even the desires of people.  It's not because I am immersed in a school that is solid on the sovereignty of God (I am), but because I have never experienced God's hand of provision so personally before.

The first year of seminary has been a wild ride already; as is evidenced by my lack of posting since last fall.  Being a good husband and father is a lot of work apart from trying to be a civil engineer and full-time masters student at the same time.  On top of all that, our housing situation wasn't exactly what many would call easy living.  We shared that house with two other small families, which certainly created many opportunities for sanctification.  It was a crazy year and I can now begin to see how God was using it for our good.

• Living so close with others revealed weaknesses in us for the Spirit to overcome.
• Our marriage became more of a priority than it was before we moved.
• I learned how old houses are constructed and got many opportunities to use my hands to build a better home.
• We were strategically located to serve a few travelers and wanderers with our home.
• We learned how to deal with conflict and work toward resolving it without running or hiding.
• I was given multiple opportunities to speak with hurting souls on my bus rides.

The year was a roller coaster ride of trying to find our identity.  It didn't take long to realize that all the other guys here were the passionate Bible teacher guys at their previous churches.  But here it is not as clear what makes each of us unique.  It took a long time to settle back into my identity as a child of God, a husband to Molly, and daddy to three adorable kids.  I tried to be preacher guy for a bit (that didn't work).  I tried to be everybody's best friend (that was exhausting).  I tried to be networking guy (I forgot I'm an introvert).  But now I am beginning to develop a vision for what God is doing with us here.

Classes have been amazing.  Two hours of classes with the godliest men I've ever known and complete freedom to ask questions.  Our instructors are so kind, gentle, humble, confident, and passionate about what they teach.  In the same class they make you frustrated about how much you don't know yet, but also build excitement to want to gain that knowledge.  They don't just leave you with encyclopedic knowledge but wrestle and weep with you as you learn struggling to know how to apply it to real people.  It was a humbling, challenging, and exciting experience.  I'm very satisfied with my first year grades; I even ended up with a couple A-minuses.  I'm glad the first year is over and am excited for year two to start on Monday (summer Hebrew).

What has really gotten me marveling over God's sovereignty is our search for a new house.  After an identity solidifying winter vacation we determined it would be best for us to find a new home for our family.  There was a house we wanted to rent last summer, but with our previous house not selling, we weren't sure at the time if we could afford it.  We loved the place and loved the neighborhood; and have since found out that some of our best new friends live only a couple of blocks away.  It is a small place with a fenced in back yard.  It's a duplex that is split with the home owners.  We would be close to the bus line in a fantastic community and could even have a garden in the back yard.  How cool would it be if that place were available for us?

So we sent an email to ask...

After a long break the landlords told us it is currently rented, but may be available.  They had to ask the current tenants.  So we prayed that God would move people's hearts so they would want to move out and we could move in.  And then we waited.

A few weeks again went by when finally we heard back: one of the three tenants was staying, but they were going to need to reapply.  They told us to just look for another place to live, but would let us know in a couple months if it opened up.  Ugh, more waiting.  Curious, I asked what the chances are that the tenants would be moving out.  The landlord told us not to expect anything.

We found another place to live, but it just didn't seem to fit right.  It was a beautiful place, but it was quite isolated from the people we wanted to get to know.  It was also far from any regular transit route for me to get to work and school.  With it as our only real option, we applied, pretty confident we'd be moving.

Surprisingly, we were rejected.  I've gotten quite familiar with rejection, but this time didn't have any of the same feelings I've had with prior rejections.  In fact, I felt a bit relieved.  Honestly, I felt that God was really leading us to this other house.  We had created a list of things important in a home for our family: conducive to growing our marriage; children secure in family identity; allow us to build deep friendships; create opportunities for interact with neighbors; separate quiet space for devotions and studies; a back yard for a garden; and on a bus route.  The place we desired met all of those, the place we applied for met half.  But we still didn't have any viable options.

Until we got a phone call again from our preferred landlords: they were thinking of buying a new house for their family and renting out their portion of the duplex.  They would let us know how the process went and maybe have their place available some time early in the fall.  That was both encouraging and frustrating at the same time.  The place we wanted would be available a couple months after we needed to be out.  We needed to keep praying that God would be sovereign over the decisions of men.

A few more weeks went by without any new direction but we did find another place. It was a beautiful old place that was recently remodeled after the tornado went through Minneapolis a few years ago.  It had a nice back yard for gardening and completely fenced in so the kids could play.  Unfortunately it was far from the people we wanted to get to know better.  It was also in a part of Minneapolis that people generally try to steer you away from. Without any word on the availability of the preferred option and time running out on our current lease, we decided to make this place our home.  We negotiated a price that worked for us and waited to sign the lease.

Then we got another phone call...

The day we were intending on signing a lease our favored landlords called back.  They were putting an offer in on another house and would be moving in time for us to move in.  They would really like if we would sign with them.  Aaahh!!  What a ride.  What a dilemma.  We were just about to sign a lease, was it okay to back out?  Nothing was legal yet, but it still felt like going back on our word.  But the place we were certain God would provide for us was available for us.  And we sort of backed out on them last summer too.  Could we back out on them again?

We took the weekend to pray about it and decided that God did too much changing of hearts and minds for us to say 'no' to what we had been praying for.  We are moving into the house that we knew right up front that the only way it could happen was if God showed himself to be sovereign even over the decisions of men.  God will not let me ever think that something is in control of even a single atomic particle or neurological impulse other than Him.

We think things like deciding on which home to live in or who our neighbors will be us up to our own decisions and the decisions of those people, but in some powerfully mysterious way.  God is in control.  And the most humbling thing about it is He exercises His sovereignty over the hearts of people for the good of His own children; for the good of me and my family.

Providence - "And we know that for those who love God, [He works] all things...together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28